Afterthougts Jack/Daniel PG Stargate 1/?

Title: Afterthoughts
Pairing Jack/Daniel
PG
Summary: Daniel's thoughts after fire and water.
Disclaimer: I do not own stargate and am not making any money from this

Life has been strange lately, well even more so then usual. After what has happened I've had to face up to something that I didn't want to, was hiding from. Jack means more to me than just a friend. There I've admitted it. What now?

If I say anything I might ruin one of the best friendships I have ever had but I can't pretend to look at him in the same way. I don't think I can even act the same way I did. What if I give away my feelings, what then? I am not sure what would be worse, me telling him or him finding out some other way. How would I be able to look him in the eyes again? When did it first hit me? Probably when I was told that SG1, my friends, thought I was dead.

The idea that I would never see them again, that they would not come looking for me, come to my rescue terrified me. Even though I would miss them all, I would miss him most. He is the person who has occupied my dreams for so long. I always told myself that it was just for comfort.

He was someone I trusted so I would not feel so alone. The dreams convinced me to stop lying to myself, but how much longer would it be before I couldn't lie to other people? Couldn't lie to Jack?

It hurt me so much when I thought I would never look into his sparkling mahogany eyes. Never see that smile that lit up my darkest moments. Never again hear the sarcastic humour that hid what he really felt. People, who do not know him, just see that humour, not the man that is inside. Jack is one of the greatest men I have ever known or ever will. I didn't want to die without the chance of a least seeing him one more time.

I remember when the dreams came. The first time I had one of him was when I came back to earth after Sha're had been taken from me. I never thought anything of it, and yes I know that is unusual for me. However there are some things you do not want to analyse. This was definitely one of them; I mean here I was dreaming of another person, another man, not long after my wife had been kidnapped.

It was an unusual case but that is how my life seems to go now nothing really boring happens. I would probably hate it if it did.

The dream, I still remember his arms coming around from behind me to hold me tight. Letting me know that I was not alone, that I never would be. I had never felt so safe and secure and well loved. Then I woke up embarrassed and ashamed, my wife was missing and I was dreaming about another person, about Jack. They progressed from there.

The first dream, when he kissed me, his lips gently touched mine. One hand caressed my face, the other he wrapped round my waist, pulling me to him, holding me close against his chest, until I could feel the heat of his skin through my clothes. Everything around us seemed to vanish; we were the only things that existed. It was only a gentle first kiss our lips barely touched, but it was like electricity. The air almost crackled between us.

Slowly he pulled me deeper into the kiss. When I heard a ringing, I didn't want to move - but I had to. I pulled away and the next thing I knew, I was sitting up in bed and the phone was ringing. Sam had picked that perfect moment to tell me that she'd had a brainwave and wanted to talk about it.

Alone and scared I admitted to myself that I thought of Jack as more then a friend, but still the other dreams scared me. They made me want something I can't have, will never have. If I had died there, would Jack have missed me? Would he have missed my friendship or would he have realised too late that I meant more to him? That thought that I could possibly be more then a friend kept me going. I know that was wishful thinking on my part, but hey I needed something. My thoughts just revolved around him and no one else.

In a way, I had always wanted to be like Jack.

I mean athletic and strong. I was always a geek; someone with a brain and that is all. I have seen Jack go through some horrible things and survived. I never so badly wanted to be him as when the information was being ripped from my brain, turning it into jelly. I now know that Nem just wanted information, to find out what happened to his mate. His loved one but that did not stop the pain. I wanted to scream out for him to stop, to leave me alone, to kill me and get it over with.

Then I thought of Jack and his courage. I didn't want to let Jack down, or him to be embarrassed by me Even though I was convinced I wouldn't get out alive, it meant a lot to me.

I carried on. The pain was unbelievable; even now it feels like a nightmare, that it never actually happened.

But it did and it changed everything. I did survive and I got home as well. Now that is the problem I face, one of the biggest I have ever had.

It made me realise that life is so short especially in what we do. Should I risk it all and tell him before it is too late, before something happens to one of us and we will never have the chance again, or should I stay silent and just have him in my dreams and my heart? So many questions and I can't answer one of them. What can I do?

Why is my life never easy?

TBC